Mmmm..

I just cant imagine many things..

My final exam has just ended (or rather 75% ended). The paper started with Monday- 5essays in 2hours.. Followed by Wednesday-MCQ, shorts answer questions and 3essays all in 2hours... then Friday-5essays in 2hours.. All 3papers contribute as much as 70% to our final marks... and i personally feel it's very scary, seriously very nerve wrecking, i have never felt so scared for an exam before, not even for my SPM or my Ausmat papers.... Last Sunday after church, i told Yeefang, i just couldnt imagine how am i going to go through the whole weekdays.. but Monday did came, and passed.. so was Tuesday and all the way to Friday noon, right after we passed up our third paper... I just cant imagine how did i go through all the days.. All i can say is that God is there all the way through..

Like, i was already preassured down since few weeks ago, the lecture notes was overwhelming and what we have to memorize was even more..!!! and the fact that it'll be pure memorization and 100% essay form, and contributing 70% to our final marks... i read and read and then i reread, gosh i just cant remember them all.. this is so inhumane (whatever,how do u spell that word, kekekkeke)..

i tell you, the preassure and stress were just unbearable..! for a person who rmmbers the Situation rather than the Names (yea, i am VERY NOT receptive to names but i am SUPER receptives to feelings, situations, that kinda thing u know...) so memorizing is something i ACHE doing.. i was telling this to my friend the night before my paper "If i am a immature person without God, i would have just jump into the sea to commit suicide"...
i dun wanna fail and yet the situation was like saying otherwise.. i even said to YiTyeng "i should have just gotten married right after SPM, save myself from all this horrible time"..

But i dun wanna give up! i dun wanna give up just like that, i've come this far and giving up days before exam or hours before exam or during exam itself is a very idiotic thing to do..!!

the exam is not only some physical struggle, it is really a emotional struggle, and spiritual struggle to remain sane when insanity is just 1 picometer away...!! like, "i cant take in any more notes, i just cant rmmber all the bacteria names there just so many of them to be rmmbered, yet i am to believe God is going to do it, i will pass this exam, i will be able to rmmber".. how to do that..?? i tell u, it's not an easy thing to do...!! my inner was struggling so hard to remain peaceful and calm, to sit down and continue studying instead of going crazy, to believe in God rather than myself....

honestly speaking , i even cried twice.. one on Sunday midnight which was actually Monday morning, becuz i couldnt sleep.. i tried to sleep but i just cant! so i became so tensed that i sobbed.. the second time was last thurday, haha... my gosh, this kind of crying for exam never occured for A VERY LONG time already.. the last time i rmmbered crying for study was one of the days during my form5, cuz i couldnt understand the Add Mates.. sobbing in the room while trying to figure out the Add Mates questions...

One of my fren sms-ed me a verse - saying the Lord prepares the horse for the battle, but the Victory is in His hand... and i know lots of people are faithfully praying for me, one of them must have to be my dear Mummy... she is my ever faithful prayer tower.. if there's only one person left on earth that will pray for me, i know for sure it'll be my Mum, cuz i know she'll want me to be good, more than anyone else.. knowing many people love me and is praying for my exam do give me comfort..

But it was good.. crying for exam makes me mature.. being pressed makes me realize once again, the one and only i can turn to for help is God.. people around me can give me all the good words and comforts, but only God alone can promise me that He's on my side.. Only He has the power over my exam papers, only He alone has the power on my exam results and yes, He definitely has the power far more superior than the examiners.. No one else on earth can promise me a good result, but God alone, because He alone is able to do so for me.. How superior is God.. and how weak am i to trust in Him and rest in peace..

i learn to declare His promises in prayer, despite my fragile faith.. i learn to trust He is going to bless me with good results when i felt that i have not studied enof for the exams.. i learn that i can do all that i can, yet the Victory is in His hands.. i learn to pray like a conquerer..

and on thursday (2 days ago), Evangeline so happen to be watching a sermon by Joyce Meyer and asked me out to living room.. (ps: the next day was the 5essays-in-2hours-paper and it's the one where we have to memorize the whole world).. but yea, it's Joyce Meyer, i havent heard her preaching before, so i went out when i need to sit down there on my rock-hard chair to memorize bacteria names..

it was like the changing hour - Joyce said a few things and i was very convicted to the core.. She said "have u ever feel like u've dissapointed God so so soooo much?"..there i was in the living room nodding my own head at the speed of 100km/hour... then she went on saying that God said to her " you know what Joyce, i've already knew what i am getting when i created you"... THAT'S SO RIGHT! God is the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end..! He definitely knows what wil i be and what will i do or want, even before i open my mouth or breath the next breathe...!!! she then said "God definitely have high hope in you, otherwise He would not make such a big trade by sending His own Son to die for you 2000 years ago!".... even when i feel like there's no hope in me, God has high hope in me!!...

Joyce Meyer also proclaim " i refuse to live without joy, i repeat i refuse to live without joy, i say it again i refuse to live without joy!".. becuz the word in the bible says The Joy of the Lord is my Strength...!!! one more powerful thing she said is - Satan has no power over me because God lives in me. Satan cant control my feelings or my thoughts, all Satan has power over is the world, which is the situations around me. Satan is contantly on the work to manipulate the situation in order to affect our feelings or thoughts... but the FACT is God is in us!! He is ever in us..!! What we are on the inner, how we feel or think and what we hold on to, is all inside, and it's all within God's power.. Satan cant change us on the inside!!! What we are inside is determined by God, because He just live in us..!! our faith our hope our trust , it'll all so far away from Satan's reach..

My gosh that time, i just felt like being slapped few times right on my head.. u know how things work, the timing thing.. so this is the MOMENT. God is really ever so Omnipotent, Omnipresence even through the sermon on tv...! then i went back to my room with a smile, just more able to fathom what's going on and more able to continue studying till the day i pass up my last exam paper...

Friday came, i handed in my last paper, and i smiled so big on my face.. i dont know how to express how i feel, it's so mixed a feeling.. at first, i thought i am going to shed tears cuz i finally went through the horrifying Monday til Friday.. i thought i'll be crushed to pieces cuz finally the pressure exploded when i handed my paper on Friday... (ACTUALLY i still hav another paper this coming Tues but it should be alright, hehehe.. much easIER paper compared to the previous three i had in this week)....

i am still unable to fathom how did all the five days passed, hours by hours, second by second.. i am still unable to fathom what i've done and how God lead me to pray and continue praying..

till now, i stil cant.. God You must be laughing at me from above for not being able to fathom it, hahaha... but God you who sees me with all my sins and weaknesses, choosed to look at me as your precious princess worthy the price of the blood of Jesus Christ..

P/s: thanks to all of you who prayed for me, i am so blessed to have you all as my friend...!! i love you all ok!