Captivating Part 2

i couldnt concentrate studying so i decided to blog.. about this book that i am halfway reading through.. all below is direct excerpt from the book which speaks so truly to me and i believe to all other readers around the world .. they were taken from progressive paragraphs, wasn't exactly copying ALL so i skip a few paragraphs, taking only the ones i feel it speaks to me.. but yea, they are in progressive order..
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"God has shown me that because of the defensiveness i buried my truly feminie heart which longs so deeply to be pursue and fought for, to be seen as beautiful, to be tender and kind, to feel deeply. He has shown me that by bringing this into my marriage, i have not allowed Dave the opportunity to fight for me. For this i am grieved. God asked me to repent of this to Dave and to take the risk of being vulnerable once again.
i stand now in the risky place of vulnerability, which is a bleeding heart waiting and praying. Everyday i must choose to lay down my defensiveness and allow the healing palm of Jesus to attend to my wound and allow him to be my God, my Strength and my Defender.
He told me that i didnt need to defend myself anymore, that was his job, he is my Defender and Advocate. would i let him be that for me? i said yes. there was a huge weight lifted that i cant fully explain."

Our jourey towards healing begins when we repent of those ways, lay them down, let them go. they've been a royal disaster anyway.
" the trouble with steeling yourself against the harshness of reality is the same steel that secures your life against being destroyed secures your life also against being opened up and transformed" --- The Sacred Journey.

Your wounds brought messages with them. Lots of messages. somehowt hey all usually land in the same place. they had a similar theme. "you're worthless"... "you're too much.. not enough".. "you're a disappointment".. "you're repulsive" .. on and on they go. because they were delivered with such pain, they felt true. they pierced our hearts, and they seemed so true. so we accepted the mesage as fact.
the vow we made acted like a little covenant with the message that came with our deep wounds. those childhood/teenage vows are very dangerous things. we must renounce them. before we are entirely convinced that they arent true, we must reject the message of our wounds. it's a way of unlocking the door to Jesus.. Agreements lock the door from the inside. renouncing the agreements unlocks the door to him(Jesus).

until you forgive, you remain a prisoner.
now---- listen carefully. forgiveness is a choice. it is not a feeling-- dont try and feel forgiving.
it is an act of the will.
Neil Anderson wrote "dont wait to forgive until you fee like forgiving. you will never get there. feeling takes time to heal after the choice to forgive is made"..
we acknowledge tht it hurts. that i mattered, and we choose to extend forgiveness to those who hurt us. this is not saying, "it didnt really matter". it is also not saying, "i probably deserved part of it anyway."....
forgiveness says " it was wrong. very wrong. it mattered, hurt me deeply. and i release you. i give you to God."
it might help to rmmber those who hurt you were also deeply wounded themselves. they were broken hearts, broken when they were young, and they felt captived to the Enemy. they were infact pawns in his hands. this doesnt absolve them of the choice they made, the things they did.
it just helps us to let them go-- to realize that they were shattered souls themselves, used by our true Enemy in his war against those whom God loves.