Wonder How..

I wonder how can i grew up in poor family yet smiling happily and thankfully, when someone else grew up in well off family yet crying day and night...

How can i have so many good friends who love me more than i love them, when someone else do not even have a friend to share the love...

How can i have an elder sister who sacrifices a lot for me, when someone else has to be sister who sacrifices more than ever for her siblings...

How can i be a vocalist in church with my shaky and out of pitch voice, when someone else who has voice of heavenly angel sings elsewhere...

How can get straight A1s in SPM, when someone else who has always have better result than me in secondary school time did not get straight A1s...

How can i apply for JPA scholarship, something totally stranger to me even after i have graduated from my 3months of deadly National Service Training, when someone else has planned on how to get JPA scholarship since his form3 ...

How can i get the JPA scholarship and cried and sobbed and wailed like it is the end of my life, when someone else cried and sobbed and wailed like it is the end of his life when he failed to secure the JPA scholarship...

How can i come to INTEC hating it very much and not knowing it is a place full with brains and excellency, when someone else has heard of INTEC long time ago and admired its humble existance...

How can i survive the 1.5 years in INTEC and finally get the pastport for flight to Perth, when someone else has better result than me yet was forced by circumstances to stay in IMU...

How can i arrived in Perth and live till today to get the results of my 1st sem exam and be glad with the outcome, when someone else put in more hope and yet has to take supplementary exam for the papers...

I waited 45minutes outside the laundry room this evening, sitting on the bench, looking upon the sky (oh yes, i do tend to look at the sky and marvel at the Master's fantastic artpiece, and dream and ponder).. i gazed at the sky and pondered.. began to ask myself How Come, How Come, How Come..

How come i got this far...

when after SPM all i thought was to burn my Biology textbook, to just find someone to marry and let life be...

I ponder on the question "How Come.."

Being a christian for about 7 years, I knew the answer would be "Jesus loves you" , "He has plans to prosper you", "because You fear God", "because you are the princess of the King" and the list goes on....

But.. could it be that.. the answer is too good for me to believe?

How am i supposed to believe it is Blessings from heavenly above..?

Am i at the stage where i feel the explaination for all the good things happening on me is just too big to behold..??

Could someone like me, who disappoints God, who breaks His heart, who turns my back against Him, be the recepient of all these good things..??

I want to know how come i come this far in my life.. it is so impossible....... they are just too overwhelming to be true...

I want to just believe, to just trust in all that He says.. that He has plans to prosper me, that He is the giver of all things, and that He gives joyfully to me...

Dear God, please forgive me for taking pride in my own comprehension that all this is too good for me, that i feel unworthy to receive all these. Forgive me for the doubts that all the good things are impossible, not trusting in You that You are the God of impossibilities. Forgive me for challenging the grace of God by rejecting the knowledge of all good things come for Heavenly Father. Lord God, teach me to once again believe in You and Your words. I want to be sure that You bless me. Lord God, i dont understand how come. yet You make me marvel at Your beauty of work in my life. Lord God teach me to once again believe in You. I want to believe in You. I choose to believe in You. So Father Lord, fill my mind with the mind of God, so that i wil be able me to comprehend Your wonderful hands at work in my life. Amen.